my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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