I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
