Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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