Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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