you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
