you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I need a beard to bite.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
