you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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