How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
