the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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