I accidentally burped into my bong.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
