Apparently you make a good broom.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
