I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
