I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Randomize
