I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
