i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
