I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
