Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
