did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Im part way to drunk.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize