Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize