maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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