you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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