god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Randomize
