I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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