some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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