The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
