Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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