i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
