im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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