i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
