in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
home. puking in laundry basket.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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