I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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