woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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