woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize