there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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