i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
