She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
