I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
