You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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