I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
