Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
