have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
