Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
