Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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