It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
