You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
