literally had 100 drinks last night.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
