I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize