My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
