it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
