i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Alive.
So much puke
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
